Infancy to 2 years of age
~ Understands that death is temporary and reversible as seen on TV
~ Reacts to emotions or feelings of parents
~ Reacts to changes in routine
~ Reacts to changes in caregiver
Reactions:
- Crankiness
- Lots of tears, vomiting, toilet habits regress.
- Child will cling
- Provide comfort
- Let family and friends help with household tasks
- Keep routine as normal as possible
- Offer physical assurance through holding
2 to 5 Years of Age
~ Impressively curious about life and death
~ See death as a temporary separation
~ Death only happens to other people
~ Believe death is reversible, as seen from TV, movies, etc.
~ They engage in magical thinking
~ They may think dead people are underground
~ Confused about changes
Reactions:
- May show little concern
- May regress to infantile behavior
- Fear separation
- Need to talk about death
- Child needs to hear the words around "death."
- No catchy sayings, they need repetition
- Help child to feel safe and secure
- Use real terms like dead and death and keep explanations short
- Don’t punish, but instead explain
- Let the child tell the story over again
6 to 9 Years of Age
~ Clearer understanding of death.
~ Comprehend that they too can die.
~ Begin to fear death
~ Question who will care for them if a parent dies
~ Wonder if their actions and/or words caused the death
~ Realize that death is final and people they love can die
~ Confused about change
Reactions:
- Sad
- Cranky
- Anxious
- Experience nightmares
- Grief reactions come and go
- Less willing to talk about death but requests to hear the story often
- Respond compassionately
- Adults should help them to understand the "words" like dead
- Need reassurance
- Lack of concentration
- Starts to create memories of the person who died
- Be responsive to their needs without punishment or judgment
Dr. Bill Worden “This particular group should be singled out for special concern. They have insufficiently developed social skills to enable them to defend themselves.”
9 to 12 Years of Age
~ Death is very personal
~ Understands that death may happen again in their life
~ There is curiosity regarding the biological aspects of death
~ Begin to understand that death is “forever”
~ Can differentiate between dead and alive
~ Questions who will care for them if a parent dies
~ Wonder if their actions or words caused the death
Reactions:
- Separation anxiety and fear
- Reluctant to leave home and parents
- Their grades may fall, or they may start to daydream or blame
themselves. Do not reprimand for poor grades.
- May act as if death never occurred or not show feelings
- Tried to ‘fix it”
- Give compassionate answers, comfort and reassurance
- Give permission to share feelings. Also, give permission to attend the funeral or not. They will look for permission. Let them participate in funeral plans if they desire.
- Give an honest explanation of death
- Listen to their feelings
- Concerned with the changes that have happen in their life- Who will
take me fishing?
- Experience nightmares
- Reluctant to leave home and caregivers
13 to 15 Years of Age
~ Death is final and it can happen at any time
~ Wonder if their actions or words caused the death
~ Thinks about the person's life before and after the death
~ Wants to be in control of feelings at all times
Reactions:
- Angry
- Confused
- Assumes the role of the person who died
- Preoccupied with death
- Aggressive
- May place themselves in high risk situations
Teenage Years
~ More adult thought processes
~ Able to think abstractly
~ Understands implications of death
~ Have feelings of immortality and realize life is fragile
Reactions:
- Assumes the adult role
- Preoccupation with death
- May show anger and aggression
- Exhibits “risk-taking” behavior
- Encourage communication
Linda Lehmann, M.A., L.P., copyright,
KEEP IN MIND WHEN DEALING WITH CHILDREN IN GRIEF:
- Children cannot sustain emotional pain for long periods of time
- Do not reject their emotion
- Do not tell then how to feel or how not to feel
- Allow the child to comfort you
- Be patient – they may need to ask some questions over and over
- Death is not contagious – be sure to differentiate
- Maintain order and stability in child’s life
- Remember that children tend to idolize the dead. Help them gently to gain balance and perspective.
CHILDREN’S REACTION TO DEATH:
- Protest.
- Pain, despair, disorganization.
- Hope/reconciliation – depends on age, personality, and relationship with the deceased.
- Stable eating/sleeping patterns fall apart and then return to “normal”.
- Children often move in and out of grief stages.
- Children need to know they will enjoy life again.
- Children need to know their lives will not always be disorganized and their thinking clouded.
- Let them know they do not have to be ashamed of their grief.
- Grief revisited – holidays can be heavy days.
Linda Lehmann, M.A., L.P., copyright, 1997
